16th. Melissa wrote a letter to F. I enclosed a note speaking of my burning the letters and asking F. to do the same way with mine and also my pictures. Melissa took my letters around to Minnie’s. Thede and I walked around before supper.
War Diary of Luman Harris Tenney.
16th. Melissa wrote a letter to F. I enclosed a note speaking of my burning the letters and asking F. to do the same way with mine and also my pictures. Melissa took my letters around to Minnie’s. Thede and I walked around before supper.
15th. All the young folks were invited to Dea. Turner’s to tea. I remained at home. Played chess with Thede. Read some— attending preaching in the evening. Prof. Fairchild made a good discourse. Got out my letters from Fannie, reviewed them and burned them. It seemed hard and sad to do so, but I knew it was best. Could not discover any change in the style of her letters in the spring of 1861. They seemed full as warm and affectionate then as ever during the whole year.
14th. Ma, Thede and I went down and looked at the Bushnell place. Concluded to take it. Went to Cleveland on P. M. train. Considerable snow last night and yesterday. Pleasant overhead but bad underneath. Almost concluded not to go out today on account of feeling so miserably weak and nervous. Went immediately to Mr. Cobb’s. Helen came to the door. I fairly shook. Oh, could I see Fannie. I went in. Helen brought me a letter from Fannie. Soon F. came. The letter told her sorrow at the trouble, reviewed our friendship, told her doubt and how she had hid it and smothered it and not allowed herself to think she hadn’t true love for me. She said “With my child-love, I loved you Luman. Why I do not now, I do not know.” Again, “I never would admit that I did not love you. I can not say now that I do not.” Helen came. She pitied both of us. ‘Twas a sad misfortune, but it was probably for our good. She felt from her conversation with F. and questions that she did not love me as she should. She thought we had better part friends and await the will of God. F. said once, “Oh it seems as though I could throw my arms around your neck and take it all back.” Helen was very kind to me and wished me to write to her. How sad the necessity of such a course. F. had been crying. She undoubtedly sympathizes with me in my sore trial. She prayed and hoped it would be different some day. If the change did come, she would fly to me. Her sympathy, if that it is, is deep. I can not realize that she does not love me. How can I have been mistaken these years—since she was seventeen. I can forgive all, for she suffered herself to please me. How strange our parting was—solemn, but as of old. Oh it all seems but a mere dream to me. Can it be reality? It seems cruel, but a wise God will make it a blessing, I hope. I pray God that he will sustain and bless us and bring us together here below, if he can consistently, if not, grant us both a rich inheritance in Heaven. This meeting and parting, can I ever forget it? No, never. Can it be that we have parted to be mere friends forever? It can not seem so to me. It always has seemed to me during these years that we were fated to be and dwell together, bearing each the other’s burdens and each other’s joys, most of all happy in each other’s love. Time will disclose all of its secrets and eternity, all till then remaining mysterious. I’ll await the result as trustfully and patiently as possible. God’s will, not ours be done. I must use every exertion not to allow this to ruin or seriously injure me. It will not do for me to think much of the matter.
Went home on the night freight. Home after 10. Showed Ma my letter and told her the result of interview.
13th. Felt so unwell and uneasy, concluded not to go to church. Lay down part of the day. Read “Bitter Sweet,” by Holland. Much interested.
12th. Wrote to Alf Webber and Hugh. Read some in Dio Lewis’ “Weak Lungs, and How to Make Them Strong”—much interested. Called yesterday to see Jamie Johnson. Walked home from town with Ella and challenged for a game of chess. Went down and played in the evening—the champion. Letter from Fannie asking me to come down.
10th. Major Nettleton returned. Told M. this morning in regard to F. and myself. She thinks as I do, that if the girl really loves me she ought to know it. If not, we ought to stop our intimacy. So shall I act. Received letter, unable to decide, does not know her own heart. Answered, after a crying spell, and consulting with Ma and M. We all think alike. Feel as if I were doing my duty anyway. Finished the letter and went to Friday prayer meeting. Spoke. Did me good. Determined through the grace of God to make my trial a blessing. Will be a man and a Christian. Called at Fannie Hudson’s. Meeting in the evening.
9th. Wednesday spent the day at home.. Somewhat rainy. Played chess with Thede and read in “Dutch Republic.” What is more trying to be borne than suspense.
8th. Came home on morning train. An hour too early at the depot. Chester called and played three games of chess. Victor. Minnie at home in evening. Played authors. Saw her home. Am quite uneasy yet as to the result of F’s decision. Anyway I will try to be happy myself and to make others happy, be good and do good. God help me.
7th. At 10 A. M. went to the east side with Roxena. Fine Arts Hall and then for bath. P. M. called at Mr. Barnitz’, Bys’, Mrs. Cobb’s and Cous. Brougham’s. Fannie and I rode out—E. Cleveland, etc. Enjoyed myself hugely. We also went to hear Anna Dickinson. “Words for the Hour.” After lecture, walked and talked over our love affairs, and discussed our relations and feelings. Had it not been for a few hindrances and contingencies, I think we would have engaged ourselves. Under the circumstances I could and would not entertain the thought. I love the girl and hope she loves me. God forbid that we should ever be married to be unhappy, if ever done must be mutual self-sacrifice from choice. God help and bless both of us.
